One of a growing handful to have their theatrical release uprooted by the current pandemic, Artemis Fowl's new home became Disney's own streaming service, debuting exclusively on Disney+. But those viewing this as an act of selfless kindness by the Mouse House don't realise how dreadful this film truly is.
Adapted from Eoin Colfer's bestselling novel, Artemis Fowl details the adventures of an Irish prodigy who teams up with his faithful servant, a dwarf and a fairy in order to rescue his kidnapped father. Introducing Ferdia Shaw in the titular role, starring alongside Josh Gad, Colin Farrell and Judi Dench, Artemis Fowl is the worst blockbuster of this unusual year so far, and one of the worst films overall.
Unfamiliarity with the source material will serve you well, for this interpretation of Artemis Fowl is (supposedly) wholly unrecognisable from its original form. Ripped to shreds, Conor McPherson and Hamish McColl's screenplay inexplicably changes crucial narrative beats and storytelling elements to present a blander picture that removes darker and more complex themes found in the novel, resulting in a picture that is difficult to follow and even harder to comprehend. Evidently the outcome of clashing ideas, the lack of semblance is clear in the messy final product.
It features all the hallmarks of a film that has escaped its director. While Kenneth Branagh has proven himself to be a competent director in the past, Artemis Fowl is a film as tonally scrambled as it is narratively misunderstood. No one can quite work out how much to lean into comedy and it's treated, in equal turns, too serious and not serious enough, creating an awkward genre hybrid that never works. All the fantastical elements register as poorly-copied concepts from superior genre entities and the failure to bring anything remotely new to the fold only accentuate the film's other deficiencies. It is unlikely the big screen experience would have added anything either as the flat visuals fail to arouse any interest whatsoever.
That trickles down throughout the cast, too - and it's safe to say that it is nobodies finest moment. Shaw is, with all due respect, absolutely dreadful here, unsupported by the recalibrated character intentions and actions that conjure the blandest YA protagonist in some time. Dench, fresh on the back of her infamous turn in Cats, demonstrates no sign that she is indeed an Academy Award winner, while Gad proves that he never will be with a numbing performance. Farrell is the only one to emerge with a shred of dignity but involvement alone might be enough of a death sentence.
Artemis Fowl is just 95 minute but feels like a three-hour slog that becomes more and more of a parody as the minutes pass by - the problem is, it doesn't even realise it preposterousness. Some knowingness early on could have attempted to save it but by the time we've hit the halfway mark, it's time to accept that nothing can be salvaged of the mess. Disney have fallen incredibly lucky to avoid a theatrical release with this disaster and, almost certainty, any sequels that could have emerged - this wants burying as quickly as possible, never to be spoken of or acknowledged again.
Summary: Artemis Fowl takes the second word of its title quite literally. Disney's new sci-fi fantasy and streaming service exclusive is foul indeed.